It’s the middle of the monthly Sales Review meeting—the most dreaded two hours for any sales guy. The PowerPoint slides are filled with targets missed, deals stuck, and forecasts that are pure fantasy.
The boss is droning on about ‘aggressive pipeline building’, and I can see the entire sales team dying inside.
Then, suddenly, the Sales Guy next to me nudges my arm.
Sales Guy: “Smoke break?”
I nod, grateful for the escape.
And, of course, The Cynic Upstairs, already enjoying the absurdity of corporate sales, tags along.
Cynic Upstairs: “Ah, the sacred ritual of frustrated salespeople venting over nicotine and caffeine.”
We step outside, and within five seconds, the Sales Guy unleashes his rant.
Phase 1: The Target That Defies Reality
He lights his cigarette with the resigned energy of a man who has seen things no one should see.
Sales Guy: “Boss wants us to hit 300% of our targets. 300%!!”
I raise an eyebrow.
Me: “So… just casually bending the laws of time and space?”
Sales Guy: “Yes! Because, apparently, if we just ‘hustle harder,’ we can create customers out of thin air.”
Cynic Upstairs: “Have you considered performing magic tricks? Maybe pull enterprise deals out of a hat?”
He takes a long drag of his cigarette, shaking his head.
Sales Guy: “I swear, these targets are made by people who have never spoken to a customer in their life.”
Phase 2: The Customers Who Ghost You Like Bad Tinder Dates
Sales Guy: “You know what’s worse? Prospects.”
I nod. I already know where this is going.
Sales Guy: “They act interested, they take multiple calls, they even tell you, ‘We are evaluating.’ And then?”
Me: “Silence?”
Sales Guy: “Pure radio silence. No replies. No updates. Nothing. Just gone.”
Cynic Upstairs: “Ah yes, the classic ‘We’ll get back to you’ disappearing act. Sales Edition.”
He exhales in frustration.
Sales Guy: “One guy even told me, ‘We love your proposal. It’s exactly what we need.’ I followed up the next day, and guess what?”
Me: “They signed with someone else?”
Sales Guy: “No. They said, ‘We’re rethinking the need for this project.’”
I burst out laughing.
Cynic Upstairs: “You mean to tell me they wasted weeks of your time only to decide they don’t even need the solution?”
Sales Guy: “YES. I think they just like taking meetings so they don’t have to work.”
Phase 3: The Boss Who Thinks Every Deal Closes in a Month
Sales Guy: “And then there’s the boss. Oh god, the boss.”
I nod. Here it comes.
Sales Guy: “Why is it that every deal, no matter how complex, ‘should close this quarter’?”
I chuckle.
Me: “Even if the customer is still discussing budgets?”
Sales Guy: “YES! Even if they are still forming a team! Even if the guy I’m talking to isn’t even sure he has the authority to make a decision!”
Cynic Upstairs: “Ah, the Sales Boss mentality: ‘Every prospect is a deal. Every deal is closing. Every quarter is the best quarter of your life.’”
Phase 4: The Pre-Sales Team That Abandons You Midway
He takes another drag of his cigarette, his voice dripping with betrayal.
Sales Guy: “You know who else I don’t trust? Pre-sales.”
I blink.
Me: “But they’re supposed to support sales.”
Sales Guy: “SUPPORT? Bro, they disappear at the worst time!”
- Demo? They promise to join, then ‘something urgent’ comes up.
- Proposal review? They vanish after sending a draft with ‘TBD’ everywhere.
- Customer asks a deep technical question? ‘Uh… let me get back to you on that.’
Cynic Upstairs: “Ah yes, the famous ‘Pre-Sales Ninja Vanish’—they exist until you actually need them.”
I try to defend them.
Me: “Maybe they’re just overworked?”
Sales Guy: “Overworked? Then explain why they have time for two-hour team meetings but can’t spend 30 minutes on a proposal?”
Phase 5: The ‘Forecasting’ Comedy Show
Sales Guy: “And let’s talk about forecasting. The biggest joke in the world.”
I smile.
Me: “Your pipeline is real, right?”
Sales Guy: “Pipeline? My pipeline is a graveyard of ‘hot leads’ who ghosted me three months ago!”
Cynic Upstairs: “And yet, next quarter, you’ll tell the same lie again.”
Sales Guy: “Of course! Because if I tell the truth, they’ll say ‘You’re not doing enough!’ So I just make up numbers and pray!”
Phase 6: The Post-Sales Chaos That No One Talks About
He takes one last drag of his cigarette, looking genuinely exhausted.
Sales Guy: “You know what’s even worse? When you actually close a deal.”
I raise an eyebrow.
Me: “Wait… isn’t that the goal?”
Sales Guy: “You’d think, right? But NO. Because now… POST-SALES enters the scene.”
- Customer realizes they wanted something different.
- Delivery team says, ‘That wasn’t in scope.’
- Boss says, ‘Fix it, we need good references.’
Cynic Upstairs: “Oh no. You mean… after all that suffering, the real suffering only begins after the deal is signed?”
Sales Guy: “Exactly.”
He stares at his half-burnt cigarette, questioning his life choices.
Phase 7: The Return to the Meeting That Will Solve Nothing
We hear a notification.
Meeting resumes in 5 minutes.
Sales Guy: “Great. Back to the torture chamber.”
I nod, preparing for more unrealistic targets and fake optimism.
Cynic Upstairs: “Let me guess—next quarter will be ‘the best quarter ever’?”
Sales Guy: “Of course. Until we miss targets, and they blame us again.”
We walk back inside, defeated but resigned.
Because, in Sales, there is no winning.
There’s just another quarter.
And just as we step into the conference room, he stops mid-step, his face suddenly twitching like his brain just connected two previously unlinked neurons.
He stares at me, eyes narrowing.
Sales Guy: “Wait a minute… weren’t you the Delivery Head?”
I take a long, slow sip of my coffee, letting him suffer in real-time.
Me: “Was.”
The color drains from his face.
Sales Guy: “Wait… so now you’re…?”
Me: “Pre-Sales Head.”
His soul leaves his body.
- He mentally rewinds every insult, every sarcastic ‘Pre-Sales is useless’ comment.
- He recalls every time he mocked Pre-Sales for ‘vanishing when needed.’
- He remembers—painfully—the multiple times he loudly declared, ‘Delivery guys understand customers. Pre-Sales just knows PowerPoint.’
The room suddenly feels colder.
Cynic Upstairs: “Oh, this is rich. He just spent 10 minutes destroying Pre-Sales, and now he realizes… he’s going to need your help. Often.”
His mouth opens, then closes. His brain is buffering.
Sales Guy (nervous laugh): “Haha… bro… you know I was just joking, right?”
I smile. A slow, calculated, I-own-your-future kind of smile.
Me: “Of course. We all love a good joke.”
Sales Guy: “Haha yeah… so, um… about that proposal I need help with—”
I lean back in my chair, stretching.
Me: “Oh, that? Sorry, I’m a bit busy with a two-hour Pre-Sales strategy call. But I’ll definitely ‘circle back’ on that.”
His hands are suddenly very sweaty.
Cynic Upstairs: “Oh, this is delicious. Every time he needs a Pre-Sales deck, every time he wants a demo, every time he needs a favor—he’s going to wonder: Is this the day he gets his payback?”
I pat his shoulder reassuringly.
Me: “Don’t worry, buddy. We in Pre-Sales always support Sales… right?”
His smile is forced.
He nods hesitantly, clearly reconsidering every life choice.
And I sit back, savoring every second of it.